Confessions of a Prodigy
by phoenixfire3473
Summary: What does Toushirou Hitsugaya really think about? How does he really act? Now you will get the chance to find out! His confessions about life or people will be revealed! this is a one-shot collection so there is no big conecting plot just hitsu ranting
1. All The Damned People In My Life

**Hello my dear readers!! Hope you enjoy this!!!**

**411 of this story is about when we enter our beloved ****Toushirou's ****lovely mind.**

**I'm writing this because I don't want to do homework... so enjoy!! You homeworkless people!! **

**It's all coming from my Shiro!!... But sadly I don't own him!!!(Or bleach) **

**You must review or else.....**

**On with the story!!!**

Okay. My name is Hitsugaya Toushirou, and I am the captain of the 10th division. Don't expect that my mind will say whatever the hell that is on the TV shows because if you expect that the go on a Bleach obsessive tour for one of those fan girls (dear lord, if I even had a lord keep me away from those dumb sluts). I am warning you now once you step into my mind you can't expect anything.... and there is no way out until I am done. By the way 'My mind' refers to my diary, but you just can't tell people that a boy captain has a diary!

If you haven't left yet... then you have passed the test.

Did you know just because I'm the youngest captain (just because all the old geezers of captain are what... 2000 years old doesn't mean little ole me has to be 2000 to be captain). Just because of that the whole damned world is out to get me!

First, Ukitake is always out for me! God! I can't walk out in the open any time of day without him coming up to me and going "Shiro-chan!! Here's some candy!" and hopping away like some frikkin bunny rabbit! Just because we both have white hair does not mean he can call me **SHIRO**! And I maybe like so many years younger that you, it does not absolutely does not mean I like **FRIKKIN CHAPPY CANDY**! You know what I think he gets it all from the dear poor girl that is followed by her brother's vice captain and the ugly orange head. But I think she and her captain are conspiring against me. If you don't know what that means look it up. I am not your momma.

Then, that stupid tangerine head Kurosaki comes and calls me "Toushirou" like we are best buddies. No way in hell. I'd rather become the old geezer Yamamoto's back scratcher. Kurosaki, Kurosaki, hey don't think I am gay! I'm just wondering **WHAT THE HELL EVERYONE SEES IN HIM**! He is a fool, he is stupider than Abarai, no Kurosaki is worse, he is dumber than Ōmaeda. He might have saved us 1 or 2 times, but that is it. Most of the time he creates the trouble, and every time he comes, half the Seireitei is destroyed each time. And guess who has to do the paper work for that? Me, every single time. Good lord he needs to be locked up in a room that is padded, has no doors or windows.

Now do not absolutely get me started on Matsumoto. Dear lord she drinks more sake that a lake... no ocean has salt water! Not to mention she hides all that sake in a mini fridge under my desk. **A FRIKKIN MINI FRIDGE**! She makes me feel like her personal servant when she should be my personal servant. This stupid world is all reverse. Whenever I hear he speak of god knows what all I hear is "Blah-Blah-Blah" I mean if you were me would you want to hear her talk about her cup size! If you would listen to her talk about this, and you are not a love sick fool with her 'blessings', then you need to go to rehab. I will personally drive you there. You know I could go on about how she is such a horrible vice captain, but that would take much too much of my time. So we shall move on.

Who next... there are just too many stupid people out there. Dear god even Aizen had more common sense that those people.

Okay. Aizen is a smart man (this is a MAJOR compliment, especially if it is coming from ME). But he is evil. I would say he went crazier than those 11th division members. Damn. His name really reminds me of someone in Naruto. His first name I mean. And I do know about Naruto (I get this question every time). But, I had a really scary incident once involving him. I was walking along the bath away from the men's captain bath house when I saw him. He was in the water so thankful my innocent eyes were saved. But he was sitting there without a top and he had more wrinkles on his back than Yamamoto! So thank the lord I did not see lower, who knows what I would have saw! After that, I could never look him in the eye.

Oh no! Matsumoto is coming to check on me (since I am _supposed _to be doing paper work in my office), if she sees me not doing work my head is going to end up in someplace I don't want it to be.

Later.

**How was that? It is sort of different from how I usually write stories but I was inspired by Skyskater. Read her stories they are awesome!! **

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**Well!!! Please review i beg of you *bows down*, who ever reviews I will give them a watermelon.**

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	2. Bonus Valentine's Day or WW Day

**Hello whoever is reading this is like a bonus because I almost forgot about Valentine's Day. God forbid! So this will be shorter, than the other chapters and later. Thanks for the reminder xxVizardxxRukiaxx!! ******** Hope you enjoy this.**

**I sadly do not own bleach or my beautiful white haired captain! ******

**On with the story!!**

Why the hell am I doing this? I am seriously not getting paid enough for this. Goodness gracious, who needs Valentine's? It's just one big hassle for beautiful boys like me to get killed. Well do you want to hear my story? Here it goes...

Today I woke just like a normal day, just ready to face the messed up world, when ... BAM! I slammed face first into my lieutenant's 'blessings'. And she's all like, "Captain!! Happy Valentine's Day!!!! I am off to give out chocolates!!! Later!" and stuffed of her chocolates in my face. Can you imagine my face? So there I was, poor defenceless me against the all of women out there! Well maybe not that defenceless...hmm... I wonder how many girls Hyōrinmaru could take out in one swing.

**Later**

So I escaped my house without letting all the fan girls see me. Aren't you proud? It turns out 200 females were waiting outside my house to ambush me and force feed me their chocolates, that they got through black market with Kurotsuchi. I saw that my office was surrounded by girls, and decided to go to the EMVDB, which is the Emergency Men's Valentine's Day Base. All of us guys made that last year. It super fortified. No one can find it. Now I know what you are thinking, what's so bad about Valentine's Day?

Valentine's Day in the Soul Society is DANGEROUS because all the girls use theirzanpakutos on you to get you their chocolates.

The chocolates are from Kurotsuchi.

Even hollows participate on this day.

Worst they all work together.

See this day is should not be called Valentine's Day it such be known as World War Day. Kurosaki has it easier because the girls in the real world are all bimbos. So when I got there it turns out almost half of the male soul reapers where here. Great! So I left.

You know only idiots and girls like v-day. Not to mention sadistic freaks.

For example: Ōmaeda. He only likes it because it is a day for him to gain what... 200 pounds of the chocolates, not only that but be a lab rat the clown face scientists chocolates. But all the girls he gets it from are from his family so it really doesn't count. Last year, he ate a chocolate and he started attracting all the bees in the whole Soul Society. Mind you, that that also means the Soi Fon was attracted too. Scary aye? She and the bees were stalking him and he was running around the place jiggling his fat ass and was waving his sausage arms. But the bees caught him in no time. The next day he seemed to have like 4 inches tall bee stings. He looked like one big fat boil. It was so funny!

Now Grimmjow is a whole other story. He gets some girls, and always accepts their chocolates. That is the worst mistake those sluts (they have to be sluts to like him or they are just insane) will make in the entire life. Because on the White Day (that's a much safer day) he takes each slut away for 10 min and when the 10 min is over that slut gets AIDs. And that happens the whole day. Don't ask me how I know this. You don't want to find out.

During the afternoon, I was walking and suddenly I see Byakuya being chased by Yoruichi like there is no tomorrow. And suddenly I see Soi Fon chasing after Yoruichi. A totally chain reaction. But eventually he got caught and was rolling around in the dust. It was like watching pigs roll in the mud! HILARIOUS! Byakuya's hair clips even fell out!

**At the end of the day**

When I got home from my busy wanderings (I was stalked, attacked and threatened the whole day or some crappy chocolate) I saw that every single girl put their chocolate through the mail thing so now all the chocolates where in my house. So I did the natural thing. I called for the chocolate garbage can. Aka Yachiru.

So I called Kenpachi and he was all like a father bear, "WTF? No way if she gets more sugar I am with the knee high devil!!! Is that how you want me to die?!" then Yachiru just popped up and was like "No!! Ken-chan I wanna see Shirou!!!!!"

They were here in a flash. See this is an example of child-parent abuse or insane adoration, or plain fear.

Then she jumped me. No, I don't mean Kenpachi you idiots. I meant the devil with pink hair glomped me from the front and stuffed chocolate into my mouth and hugged me. SHE FRIGGIN HUGGED ME AND STUFFED FRIGGIN MOST LIKELY EXPLOSIVE CHOCOLAATE INTO MY MOUTH!!!

Luckily I didn't explode but ... the chocolate made my hair pink. Now I have pink hair. FRIGGIN PINK HAIR! God, no people are going to mistake me as either Pink the 'superstar' or slut, or I might be seen as a major ugly Sakura fan from Naruto.

What the hell!?!?

I did the most natural thing got Hyōrinmaru and swung.

**The day after**

The next day I found out only Kenpachi got hurt. That was very sad on my part. Although, he is still currently in surgery.

The pink devil still loves me but I got rid of all the chocolates without the pink haired devil.

**The next day**

The clown scientist was hospitalized because of poisoning through a chocolate. Do you now know where I gave all my chocolate?

Well bye. Apparently Byakuya wants me to shut up about the rolling in the dust incident so he figures threatening will work, so I'm going to run.

**Me: Tada!! How was that for a 2 day worked on fic? Hope you enjoyed that short chappie!! **

**BTW you must all review!!! Because I need reviews to write!!! And because sometimes I forget to update... so remind me with your reviews!!!!**

**Hitsugaya: Just review or else...**

**Me: ...**

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	3. Chapter 2: Cheese and Money

**Chitty Chitty Bang Bang!! I'd like to thank my BANG BANG reviewers: xxVizardxxRukiaxx, Saint Sky, snowdays, ejo** **and Narutofang91 for well reviewing for Chapter 1 and/or the BONUS chapter!!! : P**

**I would also thank Rose of the Full Moon! :) And kongsi222 thanks for the alert!!! :)**

**Also big news!! I got a BETA reader or as I call it a BEAT reader!!! :) It is ... drum roll please... Saint Sky!!! Yah!!**

**So ... I got an idea... to write about the real world (Saint Sky)... so here it goes!**

**Ps: I don't own anything but this idea.**

Crap. Crap. Crap. What the hell is wrong with her? Holy crap. Bull, lots of bull coming from her mouth. I do really that she has no brain, or mind. Now I truly know that her head is an empty shell. Who else would think of something as stupid as that? And that is not even fun.

To clear up this confusion, the old head captain, decided to make us captains and vice-captains and other people who were pretty powerful, participate in an 'Amazing Race'. Yes, you heard my correctly. I said an 'Amazing Race'. What the hell!? This will only waste my time for some stupid event.

Now you are probably wondering why I was cussing at a girl (my lieutenant) not old man. That's because the old man wanted us to think of events that we could do. So being the idiot that she is Matsumoto suggested that we try to move cheese down a hill. Apparently she got that idea from a show that was on last night called Amazing Race, that's how this event is called 'Amazing Race'. Don't get me wrong that show is hilarious for the viewers because the racers are so stupid!! But unfortunately now we are the racers.

So we are paired up in twos. And I dare you to guess who my partner is. Guess.

It is the lady herself. Hinamori.

You must think I am glad to have my childhood friend as my partner. But the truth is that I am not.

I DO NOT WANT TO BE STUCK WITH A CRAZY B*TCH.

Ok. That might be mean but she is absolutely crazy. And emo. She probably can't even lift that wheel of cheese up. That's so sad, she can eat it but she can't lift it. Sad, right?

So the game began last night, with the cheese lifting. Hinamori and I arrived at the area first because I had the freaking carry her all the way here. She picked up a wheel of cheese and dropped it. And it rolled down a cliff. Wait! When was there a cliff?? Great… now I have to get it because emo girl won't do anything like that. She's to emo.

So I went down for the cheese. So when I came back up after getting the cheese (I had to fight hollow for it…who knew hollows liked cheese?) I found out that my partner ate the other wheel. In less than 5 minutes. All 5 kilograms of cheese… wow…it's a surprise to see why she's not getting any bigger…

Well…so we stole someone else cheese. Hey. I just went down a cliff to get a hunk of cheese to find that emo girl ate the other wheel. So I'm not going back to get friggin cheese. And of course we won…even why I went bankai on the other team…

But, my partner fainted at the end, from apparently over cheese dose, and we didn't win it was that guy that pushes up his glass with the arrow-thingy and Matsumoto the younger…and the stupider.

And so now I am supervising the cheese woman in the Fourth Division because apparently she was my 'responsibility'. Come on she's the one older than me by what 50 years. But the bright side of this is that I'm getting paid 50 bucks any hour by Izuru.

So I'm sitting here collecting my 50 bucks per hour when suddenly someone came into the division room we were in. Standing at the door was the mad scientist. Mayuri.

"Hello Hitsugaya." He said and then he started to inspect Hinamori.

"What are you doing?" but what I really meant was 'What the hell are you doing?! You will die if this makes me lose 50 bucks!'

"I am trying to find out why this girl would pass out after eating cheese. Do you mind if I take some tests on her? I'll pay you 100 bucks."

And then I left with my 100 bucks as well as the money Izuru gave me.

So guess how much I made today.

I made 200 bucks. Maybe now I can start to save up to bribe the head captain if I can get a separate office from Matsumoto. Believe me you do not want to be there when she gets drunk. The damage cost was 1232 dollars.

Is that Izuru? I have to run before he takes the money back. So see you later.

**How was it? Did you guys like that chapter? Drop in a review for me! **

**And sorry it took so long…I had writers block and I was really busy with school! So forgive me! And I kinda forgot…but! Review and it won't happen again!**

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